Last year I had no desire to go on a vacation; there was no such thing. This year I have really wanted one; the biggest challenge is finding baby sitters but my family helped me out and I went to Puerto Rico for nearly 6 days and I just got back yesterday afternoon. My main desire was to surf; and I did, until my legs were rubbed raw and the salt water stung and I still kept going. It is so peaceful to start the morning out surfing and some of the beaches I stayed the night at were so serene. A couple nights had a nice breeze with the sound of rolling waves and were very spiritual. I always feel this way when I am by the ocean. I sure did miss Kathy on some of these nights and one night on the beach imagined her standing next to me; stretching forth my hand as if I were holding hers, raising my arm up to put around her as if we were standing there together looking out into the ocean. A common line of thought that fills my being is my gratitude to God. I feel it very deeply. I will tell him so. This feeling is quickly followed by my yearning for Kathy which has me turn from speaking to God to uttering to her ‘I love you sweetie’. Though I have not been able to get myself out on a date yet my heart has made progress. I now deeply want to love someone new. I strongly feel I have God and Kathy in my corner in helping make this desire a reality. Kathy views everything now with a perfect pure love; though she did before, but I know she is in my corner, and she is looking for someone that will both be good for the children but also someone I can love with all my heart as I would not be happy with anything less. While in Puerto Rico I decided on the fly where I would stay for the night, what town I would go to; and the future of this blog will be the same. I may not post further but I don’t really know as I may suddenly want to start posting frequently again or at least on occasion but I don’t know for sure.
I still have to watch General Conference from this weekend, I caught the first talk by Elder Eyering on the radio in Puerto Rico and I was as emotional as he was in giving it. I am grateful for these strong feelings I often have, and how strongly I feel the spirit in my life. I know once I make it to the other side of this loss of Kathy and the trial of living without her; then I will even more clearly see the hand of God during the process. We all need that hope; that he is there, and if we don’t know it now, we will in the future look back with a clear perspective and see all that he has done. And then we will be able to testify of it. I know Christ lives and has overcome death for us all and that is why I strive to follow his gospel. My youngest Mya has this faith as well. We did not realize it but she was confused about my disappearance during my trip. Just before I got home my Mother said to Mya ‘Your daddy is coming home’. To which a suddenly elated little girl replied ‘He came back to life again!’ This childlike perspective and proclamation is actually very close to the truth in store for us all through the atonement of Jesus Christ.