To Begin Dating

One thing that fills me with wonder is to see a Widow/er find new love. How can it be? I am curious what even compels them to date again. I have been given ample guidance to one day seek after new love. What is difficult is I have discovered that the endless depths of missing Kathy cannot be fully explored. And now already I am being told to begin dating; but not by anyone mortal. Just this past Sunday my Bishop asked to meet with me. I had just seen him a few weeks prior so I assumed I was getting a new calling. Nope. He had a couple of things he felt impressed to tell me. One thing was that I needed to know that Kathy would approve of me finding love again. I know this. Kathy and I talked about it. But do I really know it in my heart? I’m working on it… My bishop was saying something to the effect ‘when you are ready to date, know that Kathy will approve of you doing so’. As is the case when we seek to hear the will of God through his servants, a modified message was coming to me. It was something like ‘You should already be dating, you need to be dating now’. When I had this thought, a strong feeling of excitement along with a sense of the correctness of the message; came to me. I also could not help but notice that the message seemed to be from Kathy. I am not into sharing supernatural stories and so I am just saying, that for some reason I believe Kathy was sharing this message with me, that is who it felt like it was coming from. The emotions I felt had markings of Kathy. She was a persuasive woman, she would grab onto you and jump, taking you off the cliff into a new adventure whether you wanted to or not. There was some more things as well, and an experience a few days prior, and just a lot happening as far as moving forward during this new year. This news, this thought of dating again was initially exciting. But that night, I cried for a long time; wanting Kathy and no one else. I still search out those depths of longing, just not as frequently. Later that night I woke up from 3am to 5am, still troubled by the new direction I am being asked to go. The next day I felt nauseous for 9 hours at the thought of dating. For pregnant women that sounds easy, but for a guy, it is just a sickening feeling. It has resulted in a difficult week; I am dug into Kathy. But is has been a week of understanding how to move into this new phase. I believe dating will be part of the process, part of moving into a new life, part of scaling that new mountain. I don’t want to sound like a wimp, but I suppose I am; I honestly want to shrink and not have to do this. And yet I also feel a lot of excitement at moving into a life where love can be found again. I have never been in a relationship that ended; Kathy was my first and thus only girlfriend. I hope I do not vomit on that first date. Oh how often we have to do things we don’t want to do. So uncomfortable. I know it is often in the doing that we can make up a lot of emotional and mental ground. It might just take one date to feel ready to go, or it might take longer. What feels right to me is to just date casually, just start having fun in the dating, make it a part of my lifestyle I enjoy and not some task or goal I need to reach. To take women out on a few dates without feeling committed to making things more serious. Give them a good time and make them feel good while growing and changing and preparing myself for someone new. I have been searching for fun I am built to love; so this should be fun. You see I am talking myself into it right now as I type. I have been getting more on my feet this year, adopting healthier habits; I lost five pounds in January. I have a ways to go in a lot of areas including appearance but dating will help to move me along. If I marry again, I will likely be with this woman for a very long time. I will give her my full heart as that is the only way I love romantically, all or nothing. I know some women wont like that I have five children, or that I deeply love Kathy and am sealed to her; I will do my best to ease this transition for someone new, to show things in a different light. I hope you enjoyed what for me is a painfully personal topic because it involves a change in only having a heart for Kathy. Even though I just go off the cuff, I always hope that something I write can be of use to someone reading.

 

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  • Angela Murdock

    I heard this song today and thought of you and Kathy.
    I hope you like it.

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=tTdqdOC2DtI

  • Anonymous

    I feel just the same way about dating, and I have never lost anyone. (Obviously your feelings are much deeper than mine). The thought of dating is terrifying to me. If I can make a suggestion, it would be to get involved with the mid singles ward in your area. The ages are 31-45, and it’s just a great way to be around people your own age, who are in a similar place in life. Having friends there eases the transition into dating. Many people have kids. It might be hard to attend the ward because of your kids, bit there are activities you can get involved with.

  • Heather

    Today in Sunday school we learned about the Liahona. You’ll be fine if you use your own Liahona! There are lots of activities coming up in the area for “Mid Singles”! Maybe a tiny hint that only women comment on your blog!!

  • Kristy

    Thank you for sharing your heart. You aren’t alone in your feelings of uncertainty, loyalty, and anticipation. I wasn’t planning to date just four months after my husband died at 34 but God had other plans. An old mutual friend from college came to town to help around the house and spend some time with the kids. We were nothing more than friends. After spending a week serving alongside each other, we became inseparable. We married seven months later and are building a new family. We talk about my late husband often, give ourselves plenty of room to grieve, and enjoy newfound happiness in this short, earthly life. Blessings to you and your children.

  • Anonymous

    Sigh. I cried before the “first date” a few times over. I thought surely a loving Father wouldn’t make me go through the torture a second time, right? Haha. I had endured enough, right? I was wrong. And I’m grateful for all that I’ve learned. Some of the most beautiful thoughts shared with me went a little like this… Our hearts are amazing things. They are the size of our fist, yet they know no limits on love. The amount of love they can contain, the amount of love they can receive and the amount of love they can give. They are capable of loving many people, each in different ways. Your love for Kathy will always be the perfect in that the two of you shared it in a way that no one else can. And that is perfectly okay. It will be okay. You are doing great. Baby steps are good.

  • Nancy H.

    Nate, you are young, full of life and love, and have so much to offer. Love expands beyond measure. You will have enough for Kathy and for someone new in your life. Best wishes as you being your journey! In regards to the children, they will need to know that their mother is not being replaced (because no one can replace Kathy), but they are being given an opportunity to have yet another fulfilling relationship with someone who will love and care for them deeply. I can’t wait to hear about your dating experiences. =)

  • Kathy

    You seem to have some awesome thoughts and you are doing amazing… Any women would be Blessed to have you and your children in their life ! Perhaps it would good to marry or date a widow , that way it would be more understanding as to your situation..and a,so as far as a Temple sealing to their spouse also, every time I read the blog of Mari, I think of you and your experiences , she is in the same boat as you , just my thoughts, keep up the good work, you are doing awesome😊❤️