‘As a man thinketh’

My two year old Mya always sleeps with me now, we look at the same picture of mommy before going to sleep. Three nights ago as we looked at the picture I focused on the background; it was taken at the Dinosaur Park in Ogden, a place we went often. Looking at the picture and the background I was forcefully transported into the moments we shared their, at the dinosaur park with Kathy. When I moved into those past moments I was filled with pure agony and disbelief she is gone. Tears flow and breathe dissapates as you go through grief; pure agony, it can feel more powerful than ever… This is progress because it is the lack of frequency in feeling these emotions that makes them feel more intense. I can look back on my now more than 400 pages of thoughts since the time Kathy’s cancer first came back and I can see I am in a better place than before… Two nights ago I ate something before bed that made me feel very neasueas. My little Mya fell asleep at 8pm but unexpectedly woke up at 930pm right as I was going to bed, she thought she had taken a nap and was now ready to stay up for a long period of time. I felt more and more ill. The bacon I ate was trying to come back up but I did not feel up to letting it out. I got up many times to get Mya different things that she was requesting, more milk, an apple, a banana, another apple. Always trying to not puke as I walked. She would kick, and hit my tummy as I lay there in bed. As 1am approached and Mya still awake I remember thinking ‘I don’t want to be here, I want to be done, I want to go be with Kathy’… This again is progress because I am now having harder moments and easier moments, there is no hard nor easy moments in the beginning and for quite awhile, it is all the same… I have had an increasing desire, an itch, for a change of sceneary. I desire for a vacation. A long vacation. A need to get out of here, and experience something new, get out of the routine, get out of the state the country. Go somewhere unknown… This is progress. No vacation; no matter the location or duration had any appeal before. Seriously, none whatsoever. Now however, it is starting to actually sound fun. An ability to enjoy is trickling back. I would rather be itching to get out of Dodge than be so miserable that I don’t care where I am, totally unresponsive to the circumstances about me… I have a growing need to connect with others. To not feel so lonely. And that too is progress. No number of people or lack of, was very meaningful to me at first, I slowly am becoming more responsive… I do not feel like things will become okay, but I believe they will, I even could say I know they will. I notice with someone that has a rough childhood or marriage or whatever, it is easy for them to never get over it. They could become so strong if they could overcome the negative ill effects of what they experienced. I feel I am against this challenge as well. The challenge to endure well. This is different than merely enduring. Merely enduring does not lead to growth rather can lead to the dissolution of character. In enduring well our enemy and allie is the power of thought. I have seen estimates that people have between 5000 to 8000 thoughts per day. If these were bricks, consider the magnitued of the dungeon you can build around your heart and mind during the course of a year. Conversly, consider the palace and sanctuary you can build for your soul if you can control your thoughts. No principle of life was more constatnly emphasized by the Great Teacher than the necessity of right thinking. To him, the man was not what he appeared to be outwardly, nor what he professed to be by his words: what the man thought determined in all cases what the man was. ‘As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he’. To him the deadly sins were wrong ideas, motives, and feelings. That thought in all cases determines the man’s right to happiness or his condemnation for sin. Right thoughts and feelings, if persistenlty kept in the forefront, inevitably lead to right acts. Only those whoes hearts are sincere, and whose thoughts are high and noble can influence others to seek to attain high ideals. Contentment, peace, or all that makes life worth living have their source in the mind of the individual. From the same source spring unrest, turbulency, misery. People are influenced and moved to action more by what they think other people think than by what they think themselves. When we do what we know is wrong, whether found out or not, all such pay the penality of sin and of indiscretion. The intent that precedes the act leaves its indelible impression upon the character. In the end we all can pause frequently and take stock of ourselves to ascertain what are we thinking about when we don’t have to think, for what we thinketh in our heart so are we; built brick by brick, 5000 bricks a day, one million eight hundred and twenty five thousand bricks a year. It is obvious, if we are wanting things to change, change our thoughts; the actions will follow, change our thoughts and our castle, our life, our soul, our eternal destiny, will build itself.

 

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  • Your daughter looks like Kathy. Both so beautiful and strong. Both carried heavy burdens on such young shoulders and did so with grace. The reunion in Heaven will be glorious indeed. Love to you and your sweet family.

  • I love the idea of a building a sanctuary for your soul by way of thoughts. How empowering. How valuable this skill is; and like any skill, it takes dedication and practice. The example for your children is powerful and strong and tender. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

  • Holly

    Your thoughts are so honest and thought provoking, meaningful. Thank you so much. It was also wonderful to see Kathy’s smiling face at the end of the post. 🙂

  • Anonymous

    You are such a good dad. Kathy must be so proud of you.

  • Kathy Gibson

    Same thoughts my friend !

  • Anonymous

    I love this post, thank you. I wish I could put things to words like you can. This is also where my thought process has been lately. This is a battle for me but one I know I must conquer.
    Your Kathy is full of light and beauty, your family is lovely. You can do this!