Last year I had no desire to go on a vacation; there was no such thing. This year I have really wanted one; the biggest challenge is finding baby sitters but my family helped me out and I went to Puerto Rico for nearly 6 days and I just got back yesterday afternoon. My main desire was to surf; and I did, until my legs were rubbed raw and the salt water stung and I still kept going. It is so peaceful to start the morning out surfing and some of the beaches I stayed the night at were so serene. A couple nights had a nice breeze with the sound of rolling waves and were very spiritual. I always feel this way when I am by the ocean. I sure did miss Kathy on some of these nights and one night on the beach imagined her standing next to me; stretching forth my hand as if I were holding hers, raising my arm up to put around her as if we were standing there together looking out into the ocean. A common line of thought that fills my being is my gratitude to God. I feel it very deeply. I will tell him so. This feeling is quickly followed by my yearning for Kathy which has me turn from speaking to God to uttering to her ‘I love you sweetie’. Though I have not been able to get myself out on a date yet my heart has made progress. I now deeply want to love someone new. I strongly feel I have God and Kathy in my corner in helping make this desire a reality. Kathy views everything now with a perfect pure love; though she did before, but I know she is in my corner, and she is looking for someone that will both be good for the children but also someone I can love with all my heart as I would not be happy with anything less. While in Puerto Rico I decided on the fly where I would stay for the night, what town I would go to; and the future of this blog will be the same. I may not post further but I don’t really know as I may suddenly want to start posting frequently again or at least on occasion but I don’t know for sure.
I still have to watch General Conference from this weekend, I caught the first talk by Elder Eyering on the radio in Puerto Rico and I was as emotional as he was in giving it. I am grateful for these strong feelings I often have, and how strongly I feel the spirit in my life. I know once I make it to the other side of this loss of Kathy and the trial of living without her; then I will even more clearly see the hand of God during the process. We all need that hope; that he is there, and if we don’t know it now, we will in the future look back with a clear perspective and see all that he has done. And then we will be able to testify of it. I know Christ lives and has overcome death for us all and that is why I strive to follow his gospel. My youngest Mya has this faith as well. We did not realize it but she was confused about my disappearance during my trip. Just before I got home my Mother said to Mya ‘Your daddy is coming home’. To which a suddenly elated little girl replied ‘He came back to life again!’ This childlike perspective and proclamation is actually very close to the truth in store for us all through the atonement of Jesus Christ.
Hi everyone. Things are going well. I am feeling better and better which is probably why I dont share as much about what is going on in my life. Having approached my grief head on for such a long period of time is starting to pay dividends. I’m not saying this direct approach is for everyone, we need to stay afloat after all. But for me, to move into the feelings and not ignore them and process them, has me healing nicely while learning many things on the way. Connecting more and more with life around me is the path I am on even though it is a long journey for all of us. Thank you all for your support and all the positive statements you give me. I feel like people still pray for me because I feel that power.
One in three women will be assaulted during their life time and only 80% of them will fight back. There also exists a spiritual assault on all of humanity.
When the adversaries insidious threats imperil our social fabric; our Righteous Women bind us together. When any needful or threatened Sister reaches out for help; let our hand channel strength enough to love, aid, and protect. When creatures of nefarious intent; unworthy to be called Men, enter our vicinity; let them be filled with hesitation and doubt because of the Fight every ‘Girl’ quietly wields; HERE BE DRAGONS!
Bascially sick one time last year but 2016 has been the opposite. Should have taken some Hibernol!
So being sick a lot lately has me thinking. If we were to rank our physicality by priority; that is if we were to rank what matters most to us physically, it would usually be 1. appearance 2. performance; how far or fast you can run, how much you can lift, how high you can jump etc… 3. Mobility; getting rid of those aches and pains of the muscles, joints, and tendons. 4. Health; being healthy.
So here again is our usual priorities:
It is pretty easy to become vain if appearance is number one. I also have seen plenty of gym rates or marathon runners that seem to be eating, lifting, and running themselves into the ground. Mobility is great; just ask someone that has lost function in a limb or back, they feel old real quick. I struggle with a mixed up hierarchy but there is such beauty and purity in the person that has their priorities truly straight. They are the few that look amazing and feel amazing while not being overly concerned about their appearance or latest feats of strength and endurance. I do feel all of these are important. I am just saying that as a society our pyramid is flipped and we might gain greater control of our appetites and passions and overall effectiveness if we prioritize it like the following:
When to take Antidepressants? Life is personal but we all still have the same aim; the perfection of our individual spirits. Ironically this does not come about by being perfect and without flaw and so a measure of wisdom becomes critical. If by attempting to overcome depression naturally you destroy your family, dissolve your character, and even threaten or lose your life; the adversary has won. On the other hand if you take Antidepressants and feel great and neglect the opportunity to break your heart from that which weakens you, and to nourish good habits of mind, body, and heart; the adversary has won again. I never have taken Antidepressants personally but I have cared for many that do and simply wanted to share my opinion and support. Put simply, God cares about what moves us toward righteousness, we will not be condemned because we found a supposedly inferior way to move us closer to him.
With that anemic heap of filth we call the inversion swamping our sky; we can naturally wonder when the sun will shine again, even though he; The Son, never has and never will stop shinning over us. Enjoy those beautiful blue skies because it’s time to fly!
An easy no pressure Valentine’s Day for me this year!
I am always glad to see happy couples. May God bless you with an exquisite marriage. I know it is not always easy, but it can always be well worth the effort. I know my sacrifice for Kathy has given me feelings of no ordinary measure, but our mutual sacrifice is what truly made our marriage sweet. If we could all experience this sweetness we would transform ourselves and do everything in our power to make our marriage the singular union and experience of life. Keep hopeful and trust in God to bring this to your marriage. For me it has been the most bitter without Kathy. I feel prepared to go to war, to lay my life down for some noble cause. But instead I am asked to reconnect with life, to stay soft when it would be easier to remain hardened. And so I try be hopeful that sweetness will come to my life again. That I will allow it to come. That I will allow myself to love someone again. I don’t know how this happens but I am hopeful it can happen. It builds upon one glance, one date, one touch, at a time; until I love again. If I expect to find love twice in one lifetime I hope you feel you deserve love as well; no matter how far off it may now seem, God can transform your marriage.
One thing that fills me with wonder is to see a Widow/er find new love. How can it be? I am curious what even compels them to date again. I have been given ample guidance to one day seek after new love. What is difficult is I have discovered that the endless depths of missing Kathy cannot be fully explored. And now already I am being told to begin dating; but not by anyone mortal. Just this past Sunday my Bishop asked to meet with me. I had just seen him a few weeks prior so I assumed I was getting a new calling. Nope. He had a couple of things he felt impressed to tell me. One thing was that I needed to know that Kathy would approve of me finding love again. I know this. Kathy and I talked about it. But do I really know it in my heart? I’m working on it… My bishop was saying something to the effect ‘when you are ready to date, know that Kathy will approve of you doing so’. As is the case when we seek to hear the will of God through his servants, a modified message was coming to me. It was something like ‘You should already be dating, you need to be dating now’. When I had this thought, a strong feeling of excitement along with a sense of the correctness of the message; came to me. I also could not help but notice that the message seemed to be from Kathy. I am not into sharing supernatural stories and so I am just saying, that for some reason I believe Kathy was sharing this message with me, that is who it felt like it was coming from. The emotions I felt had markings of Kathy. She was a persuasive woman, she would grab onto you and jump, taking you off the cliff into a new adventure whether you wanted to or not. There was some more things as well, and an experience a few days prior, and just a lot happening as far as moving forward during this new year. This news, this thought of dating again was initially exciting. But that night, I cried for a long time; wanting Kathy and no one else. I still search out those depths of longing, just not as frequently. Later that night I woke up from 3am to 5am, still troubled by the new direction I am being asked to go. The next day I felt nauseous for 9 hours at the thought of dating. For pregnant women that sounds easy, but for a guy, it is just a sickening feeling. It has resulted in a difficult week; I am dug into Kathy. But is has been a week of understanding how to move into this new phase. I believe dating will be part of the process, part of moving into a new life, part of scaling that new mountain. I don’t want to sound like a wimp, but I suppose I am; I honestly want to shrink and not have to do this. And yet I also feel a lot of excitement at moving into a life where love can be found again. I have never been in a relationship that ended; Kathy was my first and thus only girlfriend. I hope I do not vomit on that first date. Oh how often we have to do things we don’t want to do. So uncomfortable. I know it is often in the doing that we can make up a lot of emotional and mental ground. It might just take one date to feel ready to go, or it might take longer. What feels right to me is to just date casually, just start having fun in the dating, make it a part of my lifestyle I enjoy and not some task or goal I need to reach. To take women out on a few dates without feeling committed to making things more serious. Give them a good time and make them feel good while growing and changing and preparing myself for someone new. I have been searching for fun I am built to love; so this should be fun. You see I am talking myself into it right now as I type. I have been getting more on my feet this year, adopting healthier habits; I lost five pounds in January. I have a ways to go in a lot of areas including appearance but dating will help to move me along. If I marry again, I will likely be with this woman for a very long time. I will give her my full heart as that is the only way I love romantically, all or nothing. I know some women wont like that I have five children, or that I deeply love Kathy and am sealed to her; I will do my best to ease this transition for someone new, to show things in a different light. I hope you enjoyed what for me is a painfully personal topic because it involves a change in only having a heart for Kathy. Even though I just go off the cuff, I always hope that something I write can be of use to someone reading.
I feel married. I think for others they can look at me being alone with my children and it is obvious I am single. But as I go about my life I some how ignore this glaring reality. And I am being quite serious. I go places with my children or I see couples holding hands and I feel married. An intriguing woman might pass my way; pay no mind to her, I am married. Love is all about action, it is a verb, we love by doing and the feelings then come. I live with the resultant feelings of a wonderful marriage filled with many climbing ascents until majestic views and feelings were ours to enjoy. I still want to be up on those mountain peaks; after all the toil to get there that made the vista so sweet. So I go about my life, feeling like I am up their with Kathy when I’m actually circling around the base of a new mountain, walking in the shadows and shade and deep snow; looking for the sweetness I once knew, without acknowledging the new destination that has been set for me. This has been a lonely existence for me. I know the miserable are indeed miserable, but it is a different experience to overcome only to be put down again because you have a taste of something you did not have the first time, it is better but also more difficult. In this aspect, those that experience the most joy and love also experience the deepest pain because of the contrast available to them, they are not simply disconnected and numb to life as is the lot of the miserable. Jesus Christ the best and brightest experienced far greater pain than Satan the sludge and rot, but he also experience far greater joy. Thus we see it is obvious that there is no badge of honor in having been miserable, in having had a hard childhood, marriage and life, it is only in the overcoming and enduring well, that the badge of honor will come. Such a one is full of love, very different than the self absorbed statements of ‘no one has experienced what I have’ ‘no one has had the trials I have had’. It is true; soul refining is deeply personal and it burns, and yes only Jesus Christ understands our suffering. Those that are filled with love of others, those with characters of iron; and even those of us with billions of faults and flaws that strive and plod along trusting in a higher power, them I respect, and I know they are the ones that understand life, even if to the miserable they appear to have had a free pass, why yes they have, through the atonement of Jesus Christ, it is a far better and more rewarding existence, even though you will still need to graduate from the school of affliction, you will at least graduate with honors and more importantly with knowledge, wisdom, and understanding. I think daily study of the scriptures is a good start to overcoming trials. I have done well this week of reading the scriptures for 30 minutes a day, starting off with prayer and looking for any desire, or insight, or prompting that comes from God as his will for me, and then striving to act on such promptings. Lehi’s dream is a magnificent representation of life that highlights the criticality of daily scripture study. We are always plodding along, becoming new creatures for good or ill, going over new terrain we have never before seen in a chaotic incomprehensible environment. And thus we hold onto the iron rod; the word of God. We do not amass enough knowledge of the word to be able to let go of the iron rod, rather we read the scriptures daily; not necessarily to become scriptorians but to hear, understand, and desire to do the will of God for you that day. What if we are on a vertical assent, or wading through a river of filth and sin that is of the world, only then will our daily grasp keep us where we need to be going. The miserable let go and fill with bitterness as they wander aimlessly. Those that grasp to the word of God still wander and wonder through dark turbulent steep ascents, but they also have times of renewal at the tree of life; the word of God. They partake of this fruit of love from time to time; sometimes daily, sometimes less often; but they still partake and become renewed. Renewed because they feel Gods love and they know they are on course. To believe in God and not feel his love and not feel he approves with your course, is a difficult and miserable road. It does not matter that your path takes you straight through that river of filth, you will remain clean if you cling to prayer, scriptures, service. We can never be perfect of ourselves, we will never give 100% effort 100% of the time, we will falter. We only need to be striving to follow Christ and he will overlook far more easily all of the faults and flaws we see in ourselves and perhaps in others. It is natural to be tired of climbing, wanting to settle in the nice campsite you have discovered, and when even that is taken from you it can be natural to always want to be back there again. In addition to nourishing your soul with the word of God, and praying with more heartfelt sincerity and looking for small ways to serve someone in your sphere of influence I have for myself been focusing on having fun! Coming into this new year, very lonely and missing Kathy, I have realized I cannot work my way out of this. Such is my typical nature and course, move from A to B, accomplish, work; and then you will get through. I do not have the stamina for this. I am taking a gentle approach. I am trying to have more enjoyment of life. Worries creep up but I try to keep them at bay as I work on fortifying my emotional outlook. Trying to find a normal level of zest for life. This is a challenge for me but these 4 weeks of this new year have been good. I have started doing daddy son/daughter dates. My criteria is I do something that I enjoy, not that only my children enjoy. Again, enjoying life is my goal, not doing all the good things I know I should. And so this month I have taken 6 trips to Crystal Hotsprings. I love the water and so this suits me well. I take one child at a time; except for a birthday party for Chase that we had last Saturday in which I took all of my kids and five other children; whew! It has been really nice to go do something fun with each of my children and it has been a great way for me to get some exercise. The slide has a lot of steps up to it, and I take big deep steps and by the end of the two hour date I am exhausted. I have had enough of Crystal Hotsprings for now so next month we will be doing ice skating because I love it. I also love Snowboarding and went with my brother at the start of the month; it was my first time in 16 years so for my first run we road a cat/tractor up really high and I went down a mountain shoot. A nice way to break me in after 16 years. I also have started taking Ballroom dance lessons two weeks ago, because I love to dance! Like I said, I feel married and this is my first activity I have done that is not for married people; at least when you go without your spouse it is not. I wanted somewhere to go where I would be around single people but where they were focused on something more than just meeting you as a dating prospect. This place has been perfect. The women will scarcely dance with you if you are not a good dancer and so it is all about the dance and far less about meeting people, and this suits me well. I did not want to be at a place where women are trying to meet you in order to date you. Even this place was hard the first time, I could not help but feel like a fraud, a married man; and so I left quite early even though it is really just about dancing and not a big deal. Currently I am a horrible dancer, so there is a love hate relationship with this whole thing going on, you are sort of an outcast until you can learn to dance, then the women wont be so annoyed to dance with you. I know once I get so I can actually lead the women through a dance that it will start becoming a lot more fun. This is my first step to feeling single. I am a good sport with these types of things. I did not want to go dancing, I did not feel ready; but I thought it would be good for me nonetheless, it is these things that will move me along the path I need to go and slowly teach me a new dance. This rambling disorganized post is indicative of life. We cling to the rod of iron every time we search the scriptures. We walk through thick darkness and chilling rivers. We taste the sweetness of the fruit of the tree of life. We hope for a long reprieve. We wander down steep winding rocky terrain hoping for better scenery. We find a way to that new mountain peek and we marvel at the glorious view of peace, happiness, and joy as we dance the steps of a new dance; all is in its place, everything precisely as it should be; God has been in every detail of our lives, and we praise him forever.